Happy blog day!!! When I picked May 1st I had no idea it was also Beltane, but after reading about the holiday I feel it couldn’t be more fitting. I’ve always dabbled with the idea of a blog, I bought this domain name over a year ago and only ever published one entry. But going forward I can assure this little site will be a lot more active.

With that, I’m so excited to announce the debut and creation of Uphill Magazine the physical form of this digital diary. Essentially it’s a zine focusing on community, fashion, creativity, and connecting with the divine. It’s a physical reminder that creation is forever.

The title of the magazine has a bit of a personal meaning. When I was in 12th grade, I took an AP literature class that completely changed my life. My teacher Dan Sabel introduced me to the world of poetry, and so much more.

One day in class we covered Uphill by Christina Rossetti; of everyone in the class he asked me to read it aloud. He said it was a conversation about death, and if anyone in the room embodied death he thought it was me. At the time, I was a devoutly religious teenager losing my faith, knee deep in deconstruction and completely unsure of what I believed in. This little poem about death, and him asking me to read it, somehow stuck with me indefinitely.

At the end of the year we were asked to write a paper, the subject being our life philosophy. We were instructed to use a quote from any of the literature we covered that year. Below was 18 year old Monica’s submission. Though my life is incredibly different, and I’ve grown in ways I didn’t know possible, I feel this essay still encompasses my deepest philosophy. It seems like each year I reread it, it becomes more and more accurate.

10 May 2019

My philosophy

It’s in the window that takes up a fourth of my bedroom, painting each sunset in a way always different from the last.

Watching as timid rabbits scatter the neighborhood. Feeling special when they don’t run away at the sight of me. It’s catching a bug in the room labeled ’employees only’ and reuniting it with the outside world. A second chance at a blip of an existence. “It’s going to die anyways” a coworker imposes, without considering that the same is true for us. It’s eating oranges on a century-old rock while the sun warms my heart. A moment of bliss interrupting what sometimes feels like a lifetime of worry. It’s painting, a lot of painting. And reading too. Trying to find myself in books and trying to convey that self in art. It’s marveling over space and time, feeling lucky to exist at the same time as those I admire. A cosmic coincidence that can’t help but point towards divinity. But my philosophy doesn’t particularly shout divinity. At least not anymore. Although I can’t say nothingness feels quite right either. I guess it’s somewhere in between. A middle ground where the bees buzz with purpose but not one too dire that it becomes a burden. It’s a dime sized egg in a tangled nest. The stillness of a lizard sunbathing on a rock. It’s an art museum with a new friend and conversations with old ones. The comfort of being known and the prayer to one day be understood. It’s finding excitement in witnessing the ordinary. A scenic view, a story told by nature.

It’s night skies and constellations. My smallness contrasting the vastness, soaking it in nonetheless. It’s long socks and hot tea.

Laughter bouncing off the windows of a night-in. It’s the longing for a heart at rest, one not left to ponder what the next life holds. It’s not nothingness but it’s not quite everything-ness either. It’s all of creation living for one day and one day alone.

Finding beauty in the simplicity. It isn’t denial but it might be somewhere near it. It’s the moon and the stars and the trees that outlive us. It’s the people in the bookstores and the creatures in the grass. A scented candle labeled ‘today’ that smells a lot like hope. My philosophy is choosing to appreciate a life that might not mean much to whoever gave it, but one that matters to the here and now. It’s believing that rest is what awaits me when the lights go out.

“Shall I find comfort, travel-sore and weak? Of labor you shall find the sum. Will there be beds for me and all who seek? Yea, beds for all who come.”

At the time of writing this I remember being so afraid of death. I had finally accepted that I didn’t believe in God anymore, but if there was no heaven, I had no idea what waited for me after life.

Today, I simply consider myself a very spiritual person. I believe in past-life regression, that energy can never be destroyed, and that we are immortal souls having a temporary human experience. And I am no longer afraid to die.

At the beginning of this year I made the decision to stop drinking alcohol. In doing so, I had no idea how many of my “hobbies” would go out the window. Being sober has reintroduced me to all my old passions, and to the things I used to do alone while growing up. Writing, creating, and pondering literally everything. The purpose of Uphill Magazine is to encourage myself to write about the little things, to ask my friends insightful questions, and to make the most of the life my soul is currently experiencing. It’s an invitation to revel in the beauty of creation.

Thank you for joining me on this endeavor and for all the love and support. I’m so excited to see what this little passion project turns into. (✿◠‿◠)